For the Love of Elves
by AgentRusco
Summary: Incredibly random. So far about a girl I like to call Legolover and some familiar Elves. It is supposed to be funny. I hope it is. Bytheby I really DO like LOTR and Elves, I jist like to make fun of 'em. Guest appearance in chapter 6.
1. Legolover loves Lego

**A/N:** Wingin' it totally. Tryin' my hand at random humor. Why not? Everyone else is doing it…Some of this stuff is borrowed from my good friend Buc, who, by-the-by, has a really cool story thing posted. She goes by Fawks, look her up. Oh, and I love making up random words. They are on purpose, for fun, not because I am incompetent.

Lego-lover tramped through the dense brush searching. (We dunno what she searched for, only that she was.) She huffed and puffed angrily as her searching was proving more and more futile. Behind her tramped many girls much like her. We will call them simply rabid and insane fangirls, aka, RaIF. The RaIF could not keep silent for the life of them. They muttered and argued with one another and occasionally broke into chickish spats punctuated by high-pitched yells. Lego-lover was filled with resolve; she completely ignored those following her, instead scrutinizing every fine detail of the path before her.

"Here!" She exclaimed to herself quietly, so as not to alert the RaIF. In the soil before her was a faint impression. Her eyes gleamed.

"What is it?" A casual RaIF came up behind Lego-lover, making her jump. "Is it _him_?"

Lego-lover shook her head. "It's nothing."

"No. You said something. What did you find?"

Lego-lover lowered her voice. "Don't tell the others jist yet. I found his footprint."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" The casual RaIF squealed. "Lego was here!" This caused an instant reaction among the other RaIF. They scrambled towards Lego-lover and the casual RaIF. In so little time the imprint of Legolas' soft leather sole had vanished in the chaos. As the RaIF yelled and fought about whose fault it was, Lego-lover slipped into the brush, following the direction of the footprint.

So now we know what Lego-lover was looking for. And we also know she found it. Now she leaves the RaIF behind. But not forever, of course they will always reappear, dang 'em.

"So, about that last golf game…" Legolas spoke hesitantly, "I want a rematch!" Defiance sprang into his eyes as he faced the Elf who had dared to beat the Prince of Mirkwood.

"Ha! A rematch you shall certainly have, though it won't help you at all." Haldir chuckled.

"Yeah, that's what _you_ say!" Legolas turned away and stuck out his lower lip poutily. At that very moment Glorfindel appeared randomly. But that is the way of Elves, especially really old and brave Elves. Especially Elves that have killed a balrog, and been killed in the process, but I digress. Glorfindel appeared randomly as Legolas stuck out his lower lip poutily.

"Sup Leggy?" Glorfindel asked. "Y'look mighty hung up."

Legolas jumped a bit, but covered well. "Oh, hey Glorfie. Haldir is being mean to me. He insulted my golfing abilities."

"Golf! Dumb sport anyway. Besides, you don't hafta listen to that guy, he's got a hideous mole. All hideous Elves should really be ignored on a regular basis."

Legolas brightened. "Tru dat, man. But that could be a bit harsh, as no Elf is as hot as me." He preened visibly.

"Therein lies the problem." Glorfindel mumbled while walking away and disappearing as randomly as he came.

Legolas turned back to Haldir. "Man, I'll play golf with you, but you need to do something with that mole. It drives me mad."

"I have a mole?" Haldir whirled and ran off in search of a mirror.

Legolas sighed. "Stupid Galadrim."

Lego-lover continued following the infrequent signs of the elusive Elf she sought. Behind her, she could hear the RaIF clumsily following her more apparent tracks. She sighed. What can y'do?

Suddenly the tracks ended. She glanced around, panically. Looking up she saw a platform suspended high up in the tree. "A flet!" she exclaimed, and began urgently searching for a way up. She, of course did not realize that her prey could have been up the tree and back down long ago. Instead she grasped the bark and shimmied up the trunk with only a little trouble, as she had been training for this expedition for months. She had done countless push-ups and chin ups. She had run thousands of miles. She had climbed ropes. She had swum upstream for miles. She had gone days without food, water or sleep. All these rather crazy things she had done for the sake of trekking into unknown realms in search of her love. I think that might be considered tangential, so back to Lego-lover.

She pulled herself onto the platform and cursed it emptiness. "Where? Where have you gone my love?" He voice carried backward through the foliage to the RaIF who could not hear her, as they were arguing again, and forward to another flet that Legolas sat on, pouting about his latest loss to the hideous moled Elf. He ceased pouting for a time, to listen. He had been so consumed with himself that he had neglected to hear the clumsy Lego-lover and the much clumsier RaIF. He stood and peered through the canopy toward the source of the exclamation. Seeing a female standing dejectedly on the neighboring flet brought a smile to his face. He trotted across the boughs to the flet and alighted next to Lego-lover, making her startle and nearly fall from the railless platform. Legolas caught her by the arm and she immediately swooned.

"Hmmm." Legolas collected the limp girl and placed her in the centre of the flet. "She is a Man. And female." He appraised her slumbering form. Suddenly her eyes sprang open and she gasped at him.

"Legolas? Is that really you? I've been looking for you everywhere. I've been looking for you for weeks. I've loved you forever." She panted for breath and went on, "Wow, you are quick and quiet. You sure dropped in randomly. How sweet of you to answer my call." She paused again. This time Legolas jumped in.

"How do you know me? Do you ever stop talking?" He was astonished to find a being that rambled as much as he did. (This is the reason that Legolas was only given very few simple lines in Jackson's movies.)

Lego-lover took a deep breath. "You're famous! OhmyEru!" She suddenly exclaimed. "The RaIF! They will be here any minute. You must whisk me away to safety."

Legolas did not question the suggestion/order. He was obliged to whisk the lovely lady anywhere. Besides, the creatures that were promised sounded mighty scary. He tossed Lego-lover over his shoulder and darted into the foliage.

**A/N:** I think that's enough for one go. Who knows if I will continue. Sorry Buc for using some of your lines, but I could not resist. Besides, as a parody, I can parodize a parody can't I? Anyway, tell me what you think.


	2. Twin Studies

**A/N:** _Extra randomness due to watching The Emperor's New Groove. Talk about riveting. _

So, Lego-lover was happy, and Legolas was amused for the moment by her, and the RaIF were searching like hounds for signs of Legolas, and Haldir was still weeping like a priss, and Glorfie was…well, who knows with that random one…

The twin sons of Peredhil (that is Elrond, kinda an ugly word for Elvish huh?) were off hunting in a very different part of this random wood. They were searching for any trace of orcs, forgetting that they had been annihilated during the War of the Ring. But these boys liked a good hunt, and elusive prey. They also liked Elvish wine.

"El, can you pass me the jugga drink?" Elladan asked.

"Drink. Riiiight." Elrohir lifted the strap over his head and handed the jug to his brother.

"Heavens to Betsy! And anyone else who wants to be heavensed too!" Elladan exclaimed.

"Pa does." Elrohir interjected. "What's the prob?"

"You friggin' scoffed alla the _wine_!" Elladan shouted in Elrohir's face. "Who do you think you are? Some kinda Prince?"

Elrohir shrugged. Then Glorfindel appeared randomly. (How else?) He stood next to Elladan.

"Sup dawg?" The brothers were way used to Glorfindel's randomness, so they did not jump in surprise.

"Fer some reason this punk thinks I'm not a Prince!" Elrohir stated, and abruptly sat down.

"I didn't say that!" Elladan retorted.

"Whoah! Boys, cool it. You know you always do things like this." He stopped. "Elrohir, are you drunk?"

Elrohir gained a slightly puzzled look. "Elves get drunk?" Elladan and Glorfindel shrugged. Elrohir shakily stood again. "I'm sooo happay." Then he fell over in a dead faint. Not the cheap sleep faints like some people get (Lego-lover from the first chapter), but a real dead faint. This means he was out for quite some time. Elladan and Glorfindel were thus obligated to carry him bodily out of the different part of the random wood into the part where they lived. All of the Elves of this time lived communally. They liked it that way apparently. Oh well. Glorfindel supported Elrohirs's upper body and Elladan his legs. Though Elves are tall, they are really mighty thin, and crappa strong, so Elladan and Glorfindel had no problems. Back at the home part of the random wood, they left Elrohir in the charge of the ever-so competent Maedhros.

Maedhros grinned when they arrived. It may have been a sardonic grin, but then again, it could jist have been the only way Maedros knew how to grin.

After leaving his twin, Elladan wandered around looking for someone else to hang with and maybe even continue hunting with; someone who would not friggin' scoff alla the _wine_. So Elladan searched for Legolas. Legolas was a proven lightweight. He could not hold more than a few ounces of Dorwinian wine, so he preferred not to drink at all. So Elladan searched. But he could not find Legolas. He whistled and called and searched in all of the normal places that Legolas hung out. He slipped into the pub, jist to check, and to pick up one for the road.

At the bar, on a stool with several pillows piled under him, sat random Pippin. Why was he not safe in the Shire with his beloved Diamond? We may never know, in fact it is likely that we will not.

"Yo Pip." Elladan greeted him and sat down next to him. "Howzit?"

Pippin sighed. "Is all good." He said, but his tone of voice indicated otherwise.

"Sup?" Elladan said, then decided against hearing one of Pippin's tragic stories, amusing as he was. "Have you seen Leggy? I need to find him. It's urgent."

Pippin, who was about to begin a tale of woe, blinked in surprise at the change of subject, "Uh…he was here several hours ago. But he did not have anything but a Coke. Jist talked to Gandalf about playing golf. Apparently Haldir refuses to play anymore, let alone come out in public."

"You've been here for several hours?" Elladan looked in amazement at the tiny hobbit.

Pip nodded happily.

"Uh…is Gandalf still here?"

Pip continued the head bobbing, and pointed to a dimly lit corner.

Elladan strode over and sat at the table that Gandalf occupied. Gandalf sat staring into space with his pipe lit and dribbling bits of smoke.

"Hey ol' Gandy." Elladan greeted him. "Heard you talked to Lego. Can you tell me where he went?" When Gandalf continued to stare, Elladan slapped the table in front of him. The sound startled the Wizard out of his reverie. (Now the question is: What in the name of the Valar is Gandalf doing still in Middle Earth? We will probably never know this either.) So, Gandalf jumped, dropping his pipe from his mouth.

"Oh, my dear boy." He said, peering at Elladan, and fumbling around for his lost pipe. "Elrohir! Good to see you. What was that you said about Legolas?"

Elladan did not correct Gandalf, the mixing up of himself and his twin was way to common an occurrence to bother him. "I was wondering where he was."

"Ah! I do believe he said he would go to a random flet and pout about loosing to Haldir at golf."

Elladan nodded, "Anything else?"

"Oh, I think he professed his undying love for me…Wait, no, that was Gollum a while back…anyway, yeah, that is all." He lapsed back into thought, his pipe spewing bits of smoke around the room.

Elladan left the pub in a hurry. Old Gandalf the Gay scared those pretty Elves.

Here we leave Elladan on Legolas' trail to reunite with Elrohir. As we well remember, the poor boy was trapped in the same room with an Elf of low repute. Now we really must ask the question: why the holy halibut is Maedhros here in this Eru-forsaken place? I mean, he was pretty much a baddie, and he killed himself. Mandos surely would not let him back. Yet here he is. Back to Elrohir, poor soul.

Maedhros held a branding iron in his left hand (we must remember that his right was singed off by a Silmaril.) This was a scary thing, but no one was watching Maedhros with his new patient, so he held a branding iron. I don't know if it was the proximity of the heat or the evil intent, but Elrohir woke suddenly from his dead faint, not an easy thing to do. He sat bolt upright and drew his knife crappa fast from under his cloak.

"Don't touch me!" He yelled. He did not recognize the Elf, as he was tons of thousands of years younger that that, but he sure did not want that red-hot poker any nearer. Maedhros laughed at the puny blade and brandished his sizeable and glowing brand. Elrohir backed up and just-as-crappa fast sheathed his knife and drew his hunting bow and an arrow.

"From above the wicked shall receive their just rewards." He stated, then a puzzled look crossed his face. "Or from across the room." He nodded to emphasize his point.

Maedhros dropped the brand to the grass covered floor, and of course it instantly started a fire. Dumb Elves and their hippieshness. Elrohir and Maedhros made it out of the building using different routes. Elrohir leaped out a window, while Maedhros climbed the rafters and cut a quick hole in the roof.

"Dang you man! Pa's gonna be so mad about that hole!" Elrohir shouted to Maedhros over the roar of the flames.

"Aw, he won't even be able to tell after the fire's out." Maedhros grinned.

"Yeah. I guess so. He sure is gonna be mad about that though. PA!" Elrond suddenly appeared beside Elrohir (yes, back from the undying lands and all.)

"Sup, Son?" He placed a hand on Elrohir's shoulder. "Is something burning?" He sniffed the air. "My dead faint house!" He exclaimed. "Who is behind this?" He and Elrohir glanced around, but Maedhros was long gone. They do now know where he went, but, considering his undying love for very hot heat, it is believed that he threw himself back into the blaze to escape punishment. Dang 'im. I think Elrond said something like: "I will enjoy watching you die…"

**A/N:** _Whee! What fun! I really enjoy being random. It takes no thought at all. It comes so naturally…yeah, definitely more to come. I like this. Please tell me you do. PS, sorry no Lego in this one…I can only stand so much of him. So kudos to anyone who figures out alla the places I quoted or referred to other movies._


	3. Agent Elrond

**A/N**_: More randomness for you. Thank you ever-so-much my first reviewer! Don't forget to read the one by Fawks! Her's is great. _

The Rabid and Insane Fangirls (I must remind you what the initialism stands for) tramped through the overgrowth in pursuit of Lego-lover. They followed her from the start, because she knew everything there was to know about the Elves and Middle-Earth (they thought), and all they knew was that the blonde Elf (why so tall, if he's and Elf?) was hecka hot! They grumbled and pushed and shoved as they came to a clearing. In the clearing stood the hot guy and Lego-lover. The RaIF immediately erupted into squeals of delight at finding the hot one, and rage of finding Lego-lover with him. They immediately surrounded the pair.

Legolas stared in wonder. He had not been paying attention again. Curses! Holy halibut, there were a hecka lotta them! Legolas stood in the midst of a ring of screeching girls. He pushed Lego-lover away from himself, offering her to the rabid pack. Lego-lover clung to him and looked pitiful.

"Avast, ye fell beasts!" Legolas cried and drew his bow crappa fast. The RaIF pressed closer and the noise level increased. "SILENCE!" Legolas bawled. The creatures settled down.

"Legless, can you shoot your bow for me? It is soooo attractive." One yelled.

"Or kill something with those two cool knife things!" Another shouted, perhaps the casual one.

Soon requests were coming at Legolas from every side. "SILENCE!" He bawled again.

Lego-lover pressed closely to him and whispered in his ear. He addressed the crowd. "Who in the name of Eru do you think I am?" He asked.

"SOOOO HOT!" They chorused.

Legolas shook his head. "Y'all'er whack."

The casual RaIF piped up hopefully. "Wiggidy whack?"

Again he shook his head. "Nope. Jist regular type. Anyway, I am not warm at all; in fact that breeze is kinda chilly." He rambled on. The RaIF stared at him in amazement. Some even began to back away. Just then, the most random thing in this story (so far) happened. Some rather tall treeish things strode into the clearing of this random wood. All the RaIF, Lego-love, and Legolas himself recoiled in fear.

"Barurumm…" One of the treeish things grunted. "Liddle orcs!"

"NOOOO! I don't wanna die! Lego, save me!" Lego-lover threw herself upon Legolas, knocking him off balance. The RaIF eagerly followed Lego-lover's example, completely squishing the poor Elf under dozens of eager bodies. The treeish beings stood and stared.

"Kinda haaasty, doncha thiiiink?" One asked the rest. They nodded slowly. "Anywaaaay, I don't thiiink they aaaare orcs afteeer aaall. They smell odddd." The bark covered thing leaned near the pile of RaIF-covered Legolas. "Have yooou seeeeen any Ents, round abouuuut heeere?"

The effect was immediate, the RaIF scrambled off in terror, leaving the hottest Elf in Middle Earth face to face with the first Entwives in Middle Earth since before the Ents could remember. Yes. I said Entwife. For that is what they were. Randomly appearing in the wood to meet Legolas. Odddd. (The more 'd's, the odder.) Legolas found that his precious bow had been snapped asunder by the weight and handling it had received. He was, of course dismayed, and quite literally quaked in his soft leather boots. Not even Lego-lover had stayed with him.

"Sooo? Have yooou? Punk?" The Entwife prodded. She produced a rather sharp and very large splinter and held it to his neck. "Tell meee, or I'll cuuut your throaaat." She grinned at her perceived cleverness.

It was at this time that Glorfindel showed up, as usual, randomly. "Well, gee, lady. I figured you'd maybe cut his legs off and all, seemings as you have the splinter knife thing at his _throat_…" He shook his head. "Anyway, I don't think that is a good idea. He's royalty and all, and hasn't seen yer hubby for many years. By-the-by, what has old Treebeard done to TO you so?" (that is 'tick off.' Glorfindel did not believe in cursing.)

The lead Entwife sighed. "Heee leeeeeft meee!" She collapsed in to a sobby wreck in the middle of the clearing. Glorfindel shook his head in wonder and helped Pretty-Boy, I mean, Legolas, to his feet.

Now we will fly back and visit Elladan, or maybe Elrohir? Let's see, choices… Elrohir! Elrohir was following his father as they searched for Elladan who was, as we recall, in turn searching for Legolas. As they tracked the Elf, Elrond spoke constantly to his son.

"The dead faint house, how was it? It worked eh?" Elrohir could only grunt. "Nice. Well, as we can see, it seems that hecka old Elf was living too lives. In one life he was Maedhros the not-so nice, and he did some really crappy crap. He lost a hand, and he threw himself into an abyss of fire. The other life was lived in my realm. He went by Maedhros. Funny, I did not catch that earlier. He lived tenaciously off of my income and then threw himself into another hecka hot place to die. Odddd really." He paused is monotone monologue to ponder briefly. Elrohir rolled his eyes. "Have you ever stared at it? Marveled at its beauty? It's genius? Billions of people just living out their lives, oblivious. Oblivious to Tolkien's world. Sad story."

"Agent Elrond! They are trying to kill him!" A random Elf, (who chose to remain random and nameless) cried. "Ai, ai! Fell beasts!" The terror stricken Elf dashed off into the trees and disappeared.

Elrond stopped and looked after him, puzzled. He shook his head, then turned towards a new noise. One of weeping and gnashing of teeth. Elrohir and Elrond ran towards the noises, recognizing the weeping as Elladan's.

**A/N**: _What fun! Sorry to leave you hanging. Well, no, actually, I am not so sorry. Have fun._


	4. Fell Beast

**A/N**: _Well, I don't think I need to keep saying that it is random. That is apparent. However, this may be more so than usual, we'll see._

Elrohir and Elrond found Elladan whimpering like a small child in a clearing with none other than a small fell beast. Let me remind you that these are the ugly flying creatures that the Nazgul (Ringwraiths) rode. Anyway, there was this smallish one that was kinda breathing on Elladan and he was cringing and moaning and almost passed out from its breath. The liddle beastie kept chewing on Elladan's sword. It did not seem to want to chew on him. Elrohir and Elrond drew their own swords upon entering the clearing and the beast looked up and made an exclamation of joy at the new found chew toys. It charged the pair and bowled them over before they could put their weapons to use. The beast, though not fully grown, was quite sizeable; about the size of a smallish elephant, so the two Elves were tossed aside with little effort. The fell beast settled down on it haunches, happily fluttering its ragged wings and gnawing on Elrond's shiny blade. Elrond and Elrohir got to their feet shakily and stared in wonder at the beast. Elladan continued to sob hysterically. It was at that time that the RaIF rushed into the clearing. They were still running from the Entwives. As a mob, they were much more terrifying than the young beast, and the Elves hit the deck in hopes of escaping their attention. It was to no avail. The casual RaIF, who had assumed a sort of leadership position, spotted them and yelled something to the rest about more hot Elfs. (She did pronounce it wrong. She knew no better.) The Three Elves were soon mobbed by the RaIF who still had not seen the beast.

"Oooooo! Look at this one. He is not such a pretty boy as the legless one. And surely much braver." One RaIF said. She had Elladan by a resisting arm.

"This one is hot!" Yelled another. She had Elrohir.

"This one is OLD." Another shouted. She, of course had Elrond.

"This one is hottest." Claimed the first.

"Naw, this one's better." The second said. They obviously did not realize that the two were identical twins and even Elrond could not tell them apart. They continued arguing over the befuddled twins as the fell beast chewed Elrohir's sword and Elrond slipped off into the trees, leaving his sons to their peril. As he vacated the clearing he bumped into Glorfindel who appeared randomly in front of him with Legolas at his side. Apparently the random apearingness is transferable on contact.

"What in the name of Manwe is going on here?" Glorfindel demanded.

Elrond tried to cover up his escape. "I was off to get some stout Elves to save my poor sons. There are a plethora of strange and fell things in this wood." He made as though to pass the two lords.

"Some stout Elves you have found, Master Elrond." Glorfindel proclaimed and drew his sword. Legolas was confused, didn't stout mean fat? He shook his head and started to reach for his bow, but remembering it was broken grabbed his knives instead. "Where is your blade?" Glorfindel asked Elrond.

"It has been taken by a fell beast. I barely escaped with my life." He tried to slip past Glorfindel, but Glorfindel grabbed his sleeve and forced him along with them as they entered the clearing. When Legolas saw the RaIF, he stopped in his tracks and attempted to flee. Glorfindel shoved him ahead and sprang into the fray to rescue the twins. Legolas and Elrond stood at the edge of the clearing and watched as Glorfindel pushed through the squealing girls to his friends. The RaIF immediately latched onto this new hot Elf, and he was forced to drag them along. During this encounter, the fell beast had been happily munching the last of Elrohir's sword. It looked around for more steel and seeing Glorfindel's shining blade, it spread its wings and fluttered into the melee. The RaIF began screaming in earnest fear, and scattered, leaving Glorfindel and the twins in the path of the beast. Legolas and Elrond froze in terror, Elladan fainted dead away. Once again, this was not a sleep-type faint, but a true dead faint. This left Glorfindel and Elrohir as the sole defense. The beast was truly hungry now; its appetite for metal was sated, now it hungered for flesh. The two stood in the center of the clearing of the random wood, over the inert body of Elladan, brandishing their steel. Actually, only Glorfindel had a sword, Elrohir, as we recall, has lost his to the beast earlier. Instead, Elrohir brandished his long knife. (This is very like the knife that Legolas was supposed to have, the one he has in the _book_s.) The beastie could not decide which to attack, the shiny swords, or the wielders of them. It licked its fangs and breathed its fell breath of death over the Elves. Elrohir and Glorfindel staggered under the stench and nearly joined Elladan on the grass.

It was at this time that Legolas found his capability of movement at whirled toward the trees letting go a very high-pitched keening. This stopped the beast in it tracks and it turned toward the origin of the noise, the noise that sounded so much like one of its kin. Legolas was no longer in view, but his racket continued as he fled quite unElf-like through the wood. The beast could see only the petrified Elrond in the path of the scream. Elrond could not even blink. The beast moved toward the Imladris Elf and Elrohir flung himself at his father, knocking him out of the beast's path and into a handy pile of soft leaves. The beast tramped off into the woods after Legolas, leaving the four other Elves to sort out the situation.

Meanwhile, Lego-lover was regretting leaving her beloved for any amount of time and for any reason. She had turned around and was headed to rescue him when she heard his scream. She, of course did not immediately think it was him, but when the sound drew nearer and he ran bodily into her, she figured out it was indeed his sweet voice. Legolas ceased screaming after he ran into Lego-lover, and afterwards denied ever screaming. As he panted from his sitting position on the prone girl, they heard the crashing of the beast through the vegetation.

**A/N:** _Sorry this one is not as funny. I may have to take a break and let my muse think some more. He is not working as well as he was when I first found him. Dang it you, Thadd! Anyway, this chapter is rather corny in my opinion. Well, at least more than the last ones, cause it is not as funny. I really do like LOTR and Elves and all... really. I jist enjoy making fun of them, especially Legolas._ _Stay tuned. More to come, as I have a three week break from school and nothing to do… Also, I have a plethora of nifty words to use in the next few. They come to me randomly, like Glorfindel. Surely you understand that Glorfindel is friddin awesome? Anyway, later there shall be more, and I promise they will be longer and more funnific. _


	5. Curses

**A/N:** _Ok. My muse has thought. I dunno if I ever actually told you of my muse. His name is Thadd. He is a fox. Anyway, he has had a bit of time to think, so I believe I can now carry on._

If we remember the last chapter, we will know that Legolas had been running from a young fell beast and had run bodily (how else?) into Lego-lover. We left them as the beast could be heard in pursuit. However, I will not return to them at this precise moment. Evil of me, huh?

Elrohir and Glorfindel dragged Elladan to the clearing that Elrond had made his home. Their intent was to take him to the dead faint house. But, only as they reached the charred remains did Elrohir remember that it was no longer standing.

"Crap!" Was all he could say, and Glorfindel gave him the evil eye for cursing. "This friddin sucks! We don't have any place to put this lump!" Glorfindel winced and nodded.

"Indeed, friend. This is a sore blow. We must administer to him here, as best as we can."

"Dude! Did you jist say asbestos?" Elrohir looked confused.

"Ummm, no. Curses! This is gonna be harder than I thought." Glorfindel stood up and randomly disappeared. We don't know why, or, for that matter how. But that is what happened. Absoloodle.

Elrohir was not even fazed by the sudden disappearance. After all, this was a very common occurrence with Glorfindel, and they'd been friends a long time. And I really mean a long time. He simply knelt beside his twin and began shouting in his ear.

Now we shall return to Legolas and the lover of him. If that makes any sense. No. Anyway, Legolas very nearly passed out now that he was grounded and the beast was still after him. Lego-lover caught her breath and was at first delighted to find the object of her devotion sitting upon her. Then a tremor of fear beset her as she heard the imminent approach of a large thing. The thing was not only large, but also rather fierce if even Legolas was running from it. Then her scatter-brain remembered the beast of the clearing and she simply got angry. She shoved Legolas off of her rather harshly, making him whimper. Standing up, she searched for something with which to challenge the beast.

She found nothing, as Legolas was now quite unarmed. So she squared off to the charging beast. It skidded to a halt in front of her and hesitated; she meant business. It began to slowly turn, perhaps to find some easier prey, but Lego-lover was too enraged to let it go quietly. She leapt onto its scaly neck (you remember that they have hecka long necks.) and began beating it over the head with her fists. This young beastie new not how to deal with this sudden harsh attack. Fell beasts were not attacked, it jist didn't happen. Well, one was once, on the Pellenor. A girl took the head offa this liddle one's pa. That is, of course, another story, but it is kinda ironic that a girl was assaulting this one too. Ah well. The beast fluttered its wings and squealed in the normal fell beast way, and generally thrashed about. Lego-lover hung on and yelled as she pummeled the creature.

Legolas lay sprawled on the grass where he had been rather roughly shoved and listened to the noise with a quaking heart. He was sure that the girl was being consumed, though he thought the process was taking rather long. He rolled onto his back, sat up and opened his eyes. What he saw, I have already described. He took the scene in with awe. Never before had he seen such a brave female, especially a female Man. Of course, he had known Eowyn, but he was forgetting her. Anyway he had a brief thought that he should help Lego-lover because he was, after all, the male. But the thought passes and he slipped into the underbrush and left the girl to fend for herself. And she was doing rather well.

Elrond shook his head. Where in Iluvatar's purse was he? He saw only an empty clearing. He found himself lying on a convenient pile of soft leave. How in the name of Manwe's hairs had he ended up here? Then the previous chapter flooded back to him with the noise of Lego-lover's combat. He stood up and straightened his tie…yeah tie, and strode off in the other direction. As he entered the inhabited part of the random wood Elrond met Gandalf. Gandalf had just been shown out of the pub and was stumbling around awkwardly. Elrond caught the lizard, that is, Wizard, as he was about to face plant into one of Clebrian's exotic potted flowers. Elrond was more worried about the anger of his wife than of Gandalf actually getting hurt. (Interjection: Celebrian is now in this story because I think that Mandos would have let her back. She died of orc poison, she was good. So she is here. And she likes flowers. So there.)

"Ah, now there's a good lad." Gandalf allowed himself to be seated upon the ground and he fumbled for his pipe. Elrond held a match and soon the Wizard had a regular steam engine going.

"Mithrandir." Elrond said through the think cloud of smoke. "Mith. Do you know of anything that has been going on?" He prodded the Wizard.

"Oh my dear boy." Gandalf started and turned toward Elrond. "Well, not boy. Anyway, whatever do you mean?"

"The world as we know it is falling apart. It is finished!" Elrond shouted at Gandalf.

"Eh? What's that you say?" Gandalf chuckled. "The end of the world, heh? Well, it has been said before." He nodded. "But you still haven't answered my question. Whatever do you _mean_?"

"Have you not heard the commotion, see the signs?" Elrond began to get exasperated.

"I spoke you your son earlier. He was looking for Legolas. I wonder if he was found." Gandalf mumbled mostly to himself.

"Yes! Yes, he was found, only to be lost again." Elrond stood up to try to escape the billowing smoke. He glanced towards what once was his precious dead faint house and saw his sons. One leaning over the other and shouting. "I wonder what that is all about."

Gandalf unsteadily gained his feet and peered through his cloud at the twins. "Ah, kids these days. They will do anything for entertainment." He sighed and slumped back down, right into Celebrian's exotic flowers.

**A/N:** _I think that is long enough for now. It seems that though my muse may have returned to me, he has not deemed it essential to give me truly good material. So I leave you for now with these circumstances. And I will certainly try to get Thadd working harder for me so I can post again soon. _


	6. Hero Search

**A/N**: _So, here goes another chapter. And I think I'll add some more rather random Elves. Like, Gildor and Finrod and Turgon. And who knows mebbe some Valar also. Like Tulkas, cause he's the best. I could also include Ol' Tom Bombadillo. You all know how much I like him. But we shall see. We shall see. Hey! A guest appearance by one of my favorite villains(ish). Not LOTR. _

Lesse, where were alla these loverly characters? Ah yes, the twins were at the former dead faint house. Elrohir trying to wake Elladan, or was it the other way round? Naw. Glorfindel had disappeared. Legolas was hiding in the woods. Lego-lover was taming the Fell Beast. Elrond was speaking with Gandalf. And the RaIF were MIA. That covers it right? Oh yeah, and Pippin was still occupying a stool in the pub. So…who do I focus on first?

Celebrian glided trough the woods. This day had not bee very good. It had begun with her comforting Haldir about his appearance, and continued with her sons rushing off to hunt and later her husband rushing off to see about his burning building. Throughout the day, she had heard yells and shrieks and other noisy noises in the woods about the place. So she had decided to take a walk, and it was a good walk, but as she returned to the home part of the wood, she instantly spied her whole family (except Arwen) in various places of the clearing. Then she saw where Olorin was seated and nearly wept.

"Dang you, you old sluggard! Those are my preciously exotic flowers!" She stood over the Wizards with her hands on her hips. "They came direct from Indonesia!" Gandalf swayed and thick white smoke continued to leak from his pipe. He did not budge.

Celebrian looked pleadingly at Elrond, who smiled nervously. "Ah, Gandy, my old friend, we must leave. Perhaps we will search for Legolas." He put out at hand to help the wizard up.

Gandalf stared at the hand, confused. "My lad, your ring is missing!"

Elrond started, then shook his head. "No, sir, it is on my other hand. Now come along."

"Right." Gandalf took the proffered hand. "Where are we going?"

Celebrian watched the two walk off, Gandalf leaning heavily on her husband and smoke still flooding from his pipe. She glanced at her potted plant and sighed.

Pippin sat on his stool in the nameless pub. He had no cares in the world. Then he felt a presence behind him.

"Well, now," He said without turning, "Don't jist stand there! Have a seat and a drink!" The silent being did not sit. Pip swiveled in his seat and came face-to-face with a very awesome Vala. The Vala, of course had not been seen in Middle-Earth for many Ages, so Pip did not even know what it was. "Whew." He said. "You are shiny and no mistake!" He shielded his eyes and gestured to the stool beside him. "Sit, drink." He prompted again. The being sat slowly, but continued to stare at Pip. "So wazzup wid you? Doncha talk?" Pippin gulped the foam of another ale.

"Are you the one?" The Vala asked in a powerful voice. His golden hair flowed about him as if blown by some wind. It began to make Pip ill.

"What one?" He asked impatiently.

"The hero of this Middle-Earth." The shiny guy said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Yeah." Pippin said. "I'm the hero!" He laughed at his joke.

"You carried the trifle to the fires and tossed it in?" The being was surprised.

"You mean Frodo. My second cousin twice removed on his mother's side." Pip stated. "And he kinda dint toss it in, it was sorta taken from him, along with his finger." He gulped more ale. "Anyway, he's not here."

The Vala looked exasperated and sat calmly, staring at Pip as he drank. Finally, he stood up and kinda floated out.

As if it is not weird enough to find a Vala in this tale, we hear a curious noise, a loud roar and a slight squealing. To those residing in the random wood, it was an altogether unfamiliar noise. But anyone familiar with the noise would realize that it was a beautiful noise, the noise of a fine engine. The silver Porche sped through the wood in the direction of Elrond's clearing and the pub, leaving billowing clouds of dust behind. It screeched to a stop in front of the pub and a well-dressed, bald young man stepped out and clicked the door closed. The Kansas license plate read "LEX." I know, I know, why the halibut is Lex Luthor in my LOTR story? The only explanation I can give is that…he is. Anyway, Lex closed the door to he beautiful car and strode to the door of the pub. He hesitated before entering, as he did not frequent such places. Upon entering he found several odd-looking persons scattered throughout the room. He walked up to the counter where no keeper stood. Lex shrugged and waited. He glanced at the only person at the counter, a very small man who was guzzling a pint with ardor.

"The bartender," Lex started, "When will he be back?" The little fellow wiped his mouth and grinned.

"Bartender? Ah! You mean ol' Barli." He nodded. "He'll be about in a minute I'm sure." He turned again to his pint, then stopped. "Is there anythin' I can be helpin' you wid?"

Lex looked him up and down again and almost shook his head, then he glanced at his watch and changed his mind. "Do you know where I can find the hero?"

Pip slammed his mug down and looked at Lex, aghast. "Doncha ken yer the second person to ask me that in as many minutes!" He wiped up the spilt ale. "What hero would that be?"

Lex paused for thought. Two in as many minutes? Who else would ask such a thing at this out of the way pub? "I suppose he would not like to be known as a hero." Lex said. "May I ask who was in here before me?"

Pip nodded. "Ask all you want, but I dinna know who twas. Was all shiny and tall." He paused. "I'll tell you what I told him, my cousin is not here." He turned again to his ale.

"Your cousin. He never told me of any cousins. Certainly not any so diminutive." He ginned, pressing for more information.

"Whacha mean, diminutive? That's pretty normal where we're from!"

"And where is that?" Lex felt he may be onto something about the secretive past of Clark Kent.

"Tha's to secret," Pip said. "The Shire, of course." He slurped some foam. "Barli! Ho, Barliman! Mr. Butterbur, if you please. I need a refill! And there is an odd creature asking questions." A clatter and muttering was soon heard from the passage, and soon a round, greasy man stumbled behind the counter.

"Right to it, Mr. Perigrin, that is Thain. All you want." He took Pip's pint and quickly filled it to the brim and passed it back to the hobbit. "Now, my good…sir. What can I do for you?" He looked Lex up and down in a confused manner.

Lex did not speak for a moment, and even looked himself up and down to see if there was a problem. Shiny black loafers, well-pressed black slacks, black Armoni jacket, purple shirt, open in front. No problem. "I am looking for the hero."

"Now, which would that be? I seem to recall a number of them. This fellow in front of us is quite a hero. Also there's Mr. Merry and Sam and certainly the King. Who woulda thunk that that creepy old ranger would become the king of all the land? I mean, his hair was greasy and stringy," Lex glanced with distain at Balri's hair. "His boots were allus muddy," Lex noted that everyone in the pub had soiled boots. "Hands all dirty," Lex stared at the keeper's huge palms. "His sword was even broken." Barli continued. "But now, man, he's the king of ever'thin', but he still comes here to drink my brew. Says it's the best around." He smiled proudly, a blank look on his face.

"You have no idea what question I just asked you. Do you?" Lex stared into Baliman's face. Barliman trembled.

"No, I really don't remember. I've a terrible time of such things."

Lex laid his palm on the counter and leaned towards Barli. "The hero. Do you know where I can find him?"

"Ah! Right. Well, I really don't know what hero. There are many—"

"Clark." Lex said before Barli could list them all again.

Pip turned to Lex from his pint and Barliman stared in wonder. "Now there's a name I've not heard in… Wait. I don't think I've ever heard it." He looked puzzled. "Carrock? Cark? Dunno." He shook his head.

Lex was getting exasperated. "Clark Kent? You have not heard of him?" He turned to Pip. "You said he was your cousin."

Pip shrugged. "I was thinking of another hero."

Lex thought of all he knew. "Perhaps…Kal-el?" He took a stab, not even sure if that was the correct correlation.

Both looked puzzled. "Like Kali?" Barli asked. "The surname?"

"There's Ciril, the river." Pip said.

Lex shook his head and strode out the door without looking back.

_A/N: That is where I am gonna end this chapter. I know, it is bad to mix fics, but I really did not want to write a whole one on Lex. He will simply be in this one. Mebbe the next chapter also. You must realize that the Lex in this tale is the Michael Rosenbaum Lex and not Lyle Talbot, Stan Jones, Gene Hackman, Michael Bell, Scott Wells, Sherman Howard, John Shea, or Clancy Brown. It is not even the Mathew Munn or Kevin Spacy Lex. Ah well, if you don't know jist who I mean, google Michael Rosenbaum, or Lex Luthor. More on the Vala and all that later. _


End file.
